the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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