My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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