Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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