just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
