I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
