Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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