The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
