you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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