I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
