He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
