Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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