I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
