We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
