Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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