Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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