An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
