Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
