Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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