Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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