Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
