Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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