i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The Olympian is in my bed
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
