I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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