Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
