the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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