this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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