I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
