i wish my penis had a tongue
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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