i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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