you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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