Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i now understand why vodka
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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