God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
