dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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