The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
