Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
