There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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