I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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