I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me the toilet please
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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