very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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