Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
