Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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