it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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