the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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