can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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