It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
