Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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