I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
