Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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