the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
