we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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