Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
