i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
