Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
