Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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