I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
