I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
