remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
