You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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